As the holiday season approaches, I want to talk about another type of holiday challenge. The people in your life know how you live. They know what you’ve been up to because they’ve seen your hard work. For many of you, your spouses and families are growing with you. But chances are you’ll reconnect with people you haven’t seen in a while over the holiday period. And in many cases, they’ll have OPINIONS. Some will be thrilled and notice the positive changes, commenting on how HAPPY, CONFIDENT, DIFFERENT you seem. Notice who these people are and stick to them.
Sadly, others might not be as supportive. They may make hurtful comments, plant seeds of doubt, or even directly call you stupid — I’ve seen that recently.
Many of us we don’t like it when people are upset with us, even if we know it’s not RATIONAL or they are coming from a hurt place. We are people pleasers AT HEART, and the EASIEST thing to do is to appease them and just eat the darn thing. The thing is, if you WANTED to eat the things, that’s fine! However, if you DIDN’T and you ONLY did it to avoid conflict, well, that will breed resentment.
Being nice vs. being kind
I won’t tell you to stop pleasing others. Pleasing people is something I LOVE. I find great joy and satisfaction in making others happy. The real magic happens when you can do this ONLY when it isn’t detrimental to yourself. Part of finding this balance is learning to say NO when you need to; but another part is learning the difference between being NICE and being KIND.
These are often used interchangeably, but they’re worlds apart. Being nice involves displaying agreeable manners and maintaining harmony, often at the expense of our true feelings. When you’re nice, you avoid conflict by any means necessary, which often means playing along to whatever is going on. We are “nice” when we try to hide our real feelings or opinions for the sake of avoiding controversy or discomfort to another person. It is ROOTED in trying to control how others see you.
On the other hand, kindness stems from empathy and compassion. It involves genuinely caring for others’ feelings and aiming to make a real difference in their lives. Kindness is about improving someone else’s day or life because we sincerely want to, not because it’s expected or convenient. It often requires uncomfortable conversations and actions but leads to authentic connections and transformative changes.
The real challenge of being nice
Niceness can create tranquility on the surface but may also breed resentment and conflict underneath. If we resort to being nice to avoid confrontation, we can end up with suppressed emotions and passive-aggressive behavior over time. In contrast, kindness promotes empathy and brings about positive, lasting changes in people’s lives. It’s not always comfortable or easy, but it’s always worthwhile.
Consider this scenario: When someone is complaining or blaming someone for something (because that’s what un-self-aware people do), you find yourself in a predicament. Here you are, someone who WANTS them to feel better. But here you ALSO are as a self-aware person who knows we all have to take personal responsibility for moving forward, and that complaining and being a victim will not help you do that. So how can you help them?
You either avoid the situation because you don’t want to face it; choose to be nice and agree with them for the sake of keeping peace; or you choose to be KIND, which may mean saying something they don’t want to hear and may not be well received.
Not everyone WANTS you to be KIND
Not everyone WANTS you to genuinely help them. EVERY situation will not require action. Sometimes, the best option is to set boundaries with this person, to not engage with them. Remember the thing about boundaries is not that you are good and they are bad and must be kept out. It’s just not a beneficial relationship and we can let them co-exist. EVERY person is not for EVERY person, and that IS ok. It’s ok for your circle to tighten up.
Don’t be rude or aggressive in your delivery. When this happens it’s usually coming from a standpoint of “I’m right and you are wrong. Listen to me!” You FIRST have to understand that it is OK and ALLOWED to have a difference of opinion. Know going in that just because you have a different opinion than this person, doesn’t make you BETTER OR WORSE. Just because you think differently doesn’t make THEM right and YOU wrong. Or vice versa. When you go into an interaction with the idea that ONE of us is right and the other is WRONG, you will either give in too easily or be defensive. It’s ok to think differently. Go into every conversation with an open mind and LISTEN versus LECTURE.
Let empathy lead
If you can’t imagine that you are not 10000% correct, spend some time thinking from their shoes before you try to engage. Try to understand the feelings of others — what they must believe to feel this way. They might believe something different than you. Is that ok? Do we all have to believe the same thing? Maybe you know their belief isn’t HELPING them, so you make a plan to gently help them see that. Beliefs cannot be changed in one conversation. I can tell you that RIGHT NOW. Just try to identify the beliefs they are operating from, have empathy that that’s where their actions are stemming from and try to figure out how you can help them shift that belief. , Or maybe you just don’t. Maybe they can keep operating as they are, and you can set a boundary that works for you. That’s perfectly OK.
As we navigate the holiday season and beyond, it’s important to embrace authenticity and kindness. Focus on making genuine connections and improving lives, including your own. Accept that the goal is not to be perfect but to be real. It’s definitely ok to have flaws. It’s OK to mess up, change your mind, not say things perfectly. But most importantly, it’s ok to be open and have honest conversations with people.
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