Setting and holding boundaries

How boundary setting makes you the CEO of your life

In all of our cohorts, we always stress the importance of setting personal boundaries when it comes to approaching how you live your life. The concept of establishing boundaries is NOT novel. However, we have a slightly different take on boundaries, and it is one of the foundations that sets this program apart.

We know that a boundary is something that distinguishes one thing from another, like a fence. A fence is a boundary between 2 properties. Inside this fence is my property — my responsibility — inside that fence is YOURS. 

A PERSONAL boundary is like an imaginary fence that separates ME from SOMEONE or SOMETHING else. THIS is the space where I live, that I am in control of, that I am RESPONSIBLE for. I get to decide what enters this space.   

Boundaries are not a way for me to passive-aggressively control others

They help us establish and maintain a sense of self-worth. We live in a space that we thrive in and where we can be free. FREE from things that challenge our peace. We put them in place to PROTECT us. It’s not about THEM or trying to control THEIR behavior, or demanding that THEY need to change. That’s on THEM. Boundaries are simply about ME and what I will allow into my healthy space. 

You can’t SEE a boundary, which is why establishing them can be hard. But knowing your boundaries and enforcing them protects what is INSIDE of them. It is my job to understand what these boundaries are and know what limits I should implement to protect my physical, emotional, and mental well-being. My job is to be self-aware enough to recognize what IS in my best interest. Not what I WANT to be in my best interest….but what ACTUALLY is.

Who is RESPONSIBLE for setting a boundary?

You are responsible for being SELF-AWARE enough to acknowledge what toxic relationships exist in your life, and WHERE you need to set boundaries. 

You are responsible for SETTING and COMMUNICATING those boundaries. There is no boundary if you have not COMMUNICATED the boundary.

You are responsible for ENFORCING those boundaries. And here is the kicker: NOT by making sure that OTHER PEOPLE DO WHAT YOU WANT THEM TO. But by ensuring that you communicate your boundary clearly, and know what to do if and when it is crossed.

Likewise, you are responsible for not crossing OTHERS’ boundaries that they have communicated to you.

Setting boundaries for YOURSELF

MOST of the time, when we discuss boundaries, we are talking about placing a boundary between ourselves and toxic PEOPLE. We all know that you need to establish boundaries with people in your life to protect your space, BUT in this program, we talk about setting boundaries between YOU and toxic THINGS.  Essentially….what boundaries do YOU need with YOURSELF? 

The answer to this question varies wildly. It depends on what toxic things YOU are doing, what boundaries YOU are breaking to cause YOURSELF harm. And most importantly, it depends on the things YOU have a toxic relationship with. Things that are harmful, unhealthy, or keeping you stuck in a place you don’t want to be.

Now, there are millions of things that could be toxic. The goal here is NOT to run through those but to give you the tools to become self-aware enough that you can learn to differentiate and act accordingly. 

Before setting boundaries, remember: Nothing is inherently toxic

What you may find is that RIGHT NOW is not the right time for you to engage in a particular thing, situation, or person.

A boundary isn’t a weapon against something trying to harm you. Look at it as a SPACE that you need to grow and evolve. Maybe one day, you won’t need such a strong boundary. A boundary isn’t always forever.

Let’s take shopping for example. Shopping isn’t inherently BAD. It is necessary to buy things that we need. Everyone here shops. It’s not even bad to shop for things that you DON’T need. It can be fun. It’s fun to buy something just because you like it. However, if shopping has put you in major DEBT, it has become toxic for YOU. You keep spending MORE than you can afford. It has become a compulsion that prevents you from paying off your debt. In this case, shopping is not fun or healthy anymore; it is toxic.

In this case, you would need to place a boundary or limit — aka a BUDGET — and adhere to it, so that you can pay off your debt. Some people might also refer to this as a restriction.

The people you used to shop with may say things like, “You’re no fun anymore! You can’t possibly sustain this lifestyle! That is too restrictive!!!” But maybe those people have endless funds available to shop, or they’re in debt. The point isn’t what THOSE PEOPLE are doing, but that YOU have decided that you are going to pay off your debt, and you have implemented a plan to DO that. You can communicate the boundary to them, they may adhere to it or not… MOST of the time people will. But the MOST important thing is that YOU adhere to the boundary.

Boundaries exist for your own protection

A boundary allows you to heal where you need to so that you can become stronger. 

The person who shops for entertainment is going to have SUCH a hard time when shopping is restricted at first. For a long time, that is how you entertained yourself when you were bored, how you got a rush of dopamine when you needed something exciting. It was how you had FUN with your friends. Now, it’s gone. So you are forced to find OTHER things that will provide fun, excitement, and entertainment. And at first, nothing else seems to cut it. But over time, things shift, and you learn NEW ways to de-stress that don’t have a negative consequence. Discover new activities to entertain yourself that don’t put you in debt. You slowly become different. Pay off your debt. What felt HARD and restrictive at first, has given you the biggest gift: financial freedom.

Replace shopping with your nutrition, going to bed early, you name it. The same applies.

Do you need boundaries with PEOPLE?

That depends. Is it really a boundary, or are you trying to control and change OTHER people? Are you trying to force them to do things how YOU want them to do them? Are you setting the boundary with the intention of doing personal growth on the inside?  

Remember, boundaries are for ourselves, with the intention of healing. Boundaries are not for forcing change in someone else. Instead, it’s establishing a circle of control and reminding yourself what YOU are responsible for. 

If it IS a boundary, COMMUNICATE that boundary and have a game plan for what YOU will do when it is breached. Not what you will tell THEM to do. You already communicated it, and now YOU have to take action.

“I’m on the road to self-improvement, and I am working really hard. It’s hard to change these habits, and I need support from you.” 

Who in the world is NOT going to listen to that? The PROBLEM is that we don’t communicate that to the person. We have the boundary in our HEADS and when they don’t adhere to it, we get MAD. Use your words. ASK. 

You probably don’t need a boundary with that PERSON… but you do need communication. 

MOST of the boundaries that you will need are going to be on a PERSONAL level. You will need to place boundaries on THINGS and BEHAVIORS that YOU are allowing. I want you to take a look at what you are giving access to you.  Are there THINGS that you are letting in that are toxic….for YOU?   

Master Your Life FOREVER

Anyone can tell you what to eat to lose weight. At MYLF Coaching, we do things differently. There won’t be a checklist or a cheat sheet. Instead, our team works with YOU to determine what matters to you and arms you with everything you need to make informed decisions that bring your goals that much closer.

Learn more about what we do now.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

© Fit HQ, LLC  |  Site Credit  |  Terms & Conditions  |  Privacy Policy