Let’s talk about reaction versus response. Some people use the words interchangeably, but to me there’s a world of difference. And if you want me to be truly transparent, this is one of the BIGGEST struggles that I have when it comes to parenting…it’s the thing that I have to work THE HARDEST on. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that we ALL struggle with this in SOME WAY, so I think that you will enjoy this reflection.
Let’s dive in.
A REACTION is instant. It is your PROGRAMMED response to a particular event. When it comes to STRESSFUL events — things that we perceive to be threatening in some way — MOST of us will REACT to that event in a way that is driven by the beliefs that you hold about the event. These beliefs live in your subconscious mind, where you may not even REALIZE they are operating, because this is something that you have just accepted as a universal truth. Sometimes those truths are accurate, and sometimes they are not so accurate.
For instance, if I am sitting on the sidelines at a soccer game, and a wayward ball comes at my head, I will throw my hands up to protect my face. If you see a baby sitting on the sideline and a ball comes at their face, they probably won’t react AT ALL. That is because I have more experience; I believe that if a ball hits you in the face, it will hurt. I believe this because I HAVE EXPERIENCED it, maybe first hand, or I have seen it. In this case, that belief serves me well by causing a reaction that will protect me without thinking things through. My brain learned this because brains are cool like that.
A reaction comes up in the moment and doesn’t take into consideration the long-term effects of what you do or say. I didn’t have to pause and think about what I should do when the ball was coming my way — a reaction is survival-oriented and on some level a defense mechanism. And if you have a healthy programmed REACTION to an event, this is great news for you.
However, not a single one of us here has perfectly programmed reactions in our software because we are human, and our parents are human, and everyone we have ever interacted with is human. So there is bound to be some flawed belief system in there somewhere. Something that is based on a false truth, causing us to instantly REACT inappropriately to the situation, causing us to feel TERRIBLE about it afterwards. Because, when we feel THREATENED, most times we react with a fight, flight, freezing, or feeding, which by the way, doesn’t JUST mean food. It can mean seeking out ANYTHING in excess that will make you escape how terrible this feels, like food, alcohol, drugs, excessive shopping, gambling, seeking out people that will validate your poor reaction and feed your feelings that way.
On the flip side, a RESPONSE usually comes more slowly. It’s based on information from both the conscious and unconscious mind. A response will be more “ecological,” meaning that it takes into consideration the well-being of not only you but those around you. It weighs the long-term effects and stays in line with your core values. There is a REACTION here as well, but that reaction is a PAUSE. Something stressful happens and you are programmed to PAUSE, giving yourself time to THINK THINGS THROUGH.
In a perfect world, when things happen, we would always choose to PAUSE, think, and then RESPOND. But we don’t live in a perfect world. We live in a VERY imperfect world. And we are not EVER going to be perfect people because we are HUMAN, and no matter how evolved you are, when something HURTS you or you feel ATTACKED, MOST of the time we will REACT. It won’t be pretty. It’s certainly not RIGHT. But it IS going to happen. You are going to say and do things out of sheer reaction that you are not PROUD OF.
So let’s talk about what to do WHEN this happens.
How to deal with the aftermath when you react instead of responding
Step One: Take RESPONSIBILITY
You CANNOT skip this step. I will give you a sneak peek into the final step, which is REPAIR. You will NOT get to that phase if you do not take responsibility for YOUR REACTION from the get-go.
Personal responsibility means that we are accountable for our actions, choices, and behaviors, and not blaming OTHERS or our circumstances for our actions. It is not about explaining WHY we did what we did but simply owning the fact and recognizing that, while it wasn’t ideal, we are trying to understand how it affected those around us so that we CAN hopefully repair the damage that was done.
There are some caveats in this step.
There’s no faking here. There’s no, “I know what I did was wrong. We all make mistakes; you need to just get over it.” We are talking about truly being introspective and understanding the situation as an outsider and figuring out what YOUR ROLE truly is in the matter. This sounds simple. Simple doesn’t always mean EASY. It requires self-reflection and the willingness to admit when we are wrong, which MOST of us do not LOVE to do. Because we don’t FEEL wrong — we FEEL justified.
Remember, we usually REACT when we feel threatened. And usually, when we have an undesirable reaction, we ruminate on it. Again and again. So our brain goes to work to make us feel BETTER. We blame others for how we reacted; we justify why we did it. If someone or something would just do things DIFFERENTLY, THEN I would be able to change my reaction. The ONLY thing these thoughts change is how you have settled things in your mind. Your mind worked to protect and secure whatever story you held.
But here is our wakeup call today. Our actions are OUR RESPONSIBILITY. Nobody else has a say in them, no matter what we have told ourselves. If we are reacting in ways that we KNOW are not desirable, it’s time to free yourself and just ADMIT that you made a mistake. There is VERY LITTLE that feels as GOOD as admitting that you are not perfect. And knowing that it is OK to not be perfect. And knowing that there is a path forward for when you are NOT perfect.
Step Two: Pause and reason
This one takes some time and work, but just like anything, the MORE you practice it, the better you get at it.
I told you that reactions are essentially programmed behaviors. So, we want to work on REPROGRAMMING the brain to PAUSE instead of REACT. Again, VERY SIMPLE, but NOT EASY. I KNOW, because like I said, this is something that I struggle with.
You aren’t going to rock this right away. You aren’t going to go from reacting to things to being able to pause and respond appropriately. It’s a lot messier than that. What’s going to happen is that you REACT as usual, but then you NOTICE it. And then you FORCE a pause. In that pause, you think about the situation as an outsider would, so you use REASON instead of emotion.
I want to be clear. Emotions are part of life. You absolutely will FEEL emotions. The solution to emotions is not ever going to be avoiding and running from them or seeking out food, drugs, etc.
Instead of running away from it, I want you to train yourself to RECOGNIZE and label the emotion, which happens when you pause. Feel it. Then ask yourself questions.
- Why do I feel defensive in this situation?
- Why do I feel threatened?
- What belief is at play here?
- Am I upset because someone has a different OPINION than me? Are they not allowed to have a different opinion than me?
- Am I placing expectations on this person that are not being met?
- Am I jumping to conclusions?
- Is my position the actual truth? Is it objectively a fact?
- Is this REALLY all of their fault? Remember, regardless of whose “fault” something is, your reaction is still 100% YOUR responsibility.
- Even if YOUR way IS the truth…is a REACTION going to help them see my point? Is engaging in this way going to encourage them to listen to my points?
Step Three: REPAIR
Here goes another one that seems like it’s the same thing but really isn’t. When you think of repair, you may think of fixing the issue. But they’re not the same thing.
Repair involves restoring something to its original condition. It requires a careful analysis of the problem and a systematic approach to solving the dysfunction. On the other hand, fixing refers to a temporary or quick solution to a problem, without necessarily addressing the underlying cause.
Let’s say that you REACT to a stressful situation with FEEDING. Let’s say that your boss sent you an email that made you FEEL unappreciated and insecure, so you pull through fast food on the way home, because you need to feel better.
Ok, you had your reaction. Now what? Do you truly FEEL better? Did it solve your feelings about your boss? Maybe for a little bit, but of course it’s going to come back. So now, instead of shaming yourself, or pretending that it never happened, or blaming your boss for you pulling through the drive-through, you decide to take responsibility.
I just ate my feelings…I chose that…and it didn’t make me feel better. I don’t want to CONTINUE to do this, so I am going to pause and actually think through this with reason.
I FELT attacked by that email. Was it a personal attack? Or was it feedback? Was it RUDE? Or did I just not want to HEAR it? Did I interpret his tone correctly? Did I make assumptions? Isn’t it his role to offer continued feedback to his employees since he pays us to work for his company? Did I give them an opportunity to provide clarity? How many times has he had to offer feedback in this exact scenerio? Do I procrastinate my work too often? Is there anything that I can change in the future?
Now comes the repair. The first repair needs to happen with YOURSELF. Let’s say you DID just dominate the drive-through. Ok, now what? You can choose to FIX it. Or you can choose to REPAIR it. Now, to me, a FIX would be vowing to starve yourself for the next meal. You are fixing the immediate thing in your view instead of letting yourself go deeper and see that there is a breakdown in the SYSTEM, that the programming is off. You have programmed yourself to soothe your emotions with food instead of pausing, reasoning, and then RESPONDING. Eating is a knee-jerk reaction. Again, we want to learn to react with a pause and then go deeper.
If the reaction you had was to write your boss back immediately with a scathing email, you might need to repair THAT relationship — at least if you want to keep your job. Or let’s say that you reacted poorly with your spouse.
I already said the first step to repair is taking responsibility for your actions, meaning that you will reflect and offer yourself some feedback. As I already mentioned, this is not EASY. If you think that isn’t easy, the next part is going to be even harder. It involves having a conversation with the other person, in which you communicate those mistakes, which SOMETIMES means that you will be offered FEEDBACK from that person.
Most of us don’t LIKE feedback because it feels like an ATTACK. And sometimes it is offered in that way. But most times, it is the other person expressing how they FEEL about something. But this is where communication BEGINS and healing begins. People are entitled to feelings, JUST LIKE YOU. Those feelings are rooted in their beliefs. So just like when YOU have an emotion, we ask questions, the same is true for someone else. When they have an emotion, this is when we ask questions in an effort to gain clarity. Not pointed, aggressive questions. Not as a REACTION. We ask them in RESPONSE. We try to gain clarity on the situation. We try to understand what is SYSTEMATICALLY going wrong versus just putting a band-aid on it.
Can everything be repaired?
Sometimes I think yes, and sometimes I think no.
I think if you CONTINUE to react in the same way over and over and do nothing to work and change it, then over time, the person on the other end will put up a boundary. Or maybe you are the one who is working to repair, but the other person is not doing ANY work. Then YOU may need to put up a boundary.
I have found that the more self-aware I become, the more mistakes I find myself making because I am willing to look. Also, the more I realize how FEW people are self-aware. Self-awareness does NOT mean perfection. It means accepting imperfection, so that you LET yourself LOOK and ADMIT to your weaknesses. Only then can you work to improve them.
Progress over perfection
I hate to break it to you. But we’re never going to be perfect. Learning to pause and respond instead of reacting is a process, and it’s not about being perfect, so you can let go of that expectation now. It’s about developing self-awareness, taking responsibility for your actions, and being willing to repair when things don’t go as planned.
The truth is, we’re all human. There will be moments where you react instead of respond. You might say or do something you regret. What matters more than the mistake itself is how you handle it afterward. Owning your actions, reflecting on what caused them, and making intentional steps to repair the situation — whether it’s with yourself or someone else — are what really lead to growth.
So, here’s your invitation: take a moment today to reflect on a time when you reacted instead of responding. What triggered that reaction? What belief or thought drove your response? And most importantly, how can you learn from it so you’re better prepared next time?
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