How do we face situations that are so far outside our control they’d make anyone’s head spin?
I recently had a conversation with a friend that has stuck with me. Their child is in a wheelchair after an accident. As we can imagine, they’re pretty shaken. Miserable, even. It’s a really dark time.
Honestly, we can all understand that, right? We ALL see people going through different difficult times and we immediately wonder what we can do to help, because our heart just sinks for them… because we can see the heaviness of it all.
I can’t even begin to say that I understand what they’re going through. But I do understand one thing, and that is that they’re experiencing grief.
Grief is the process we walk through on the way to accepting a new reality. It’s what happens when your version of life doesn’t match the plan you had for it. It’s that space between how you thought it would be and how it actually is.
And whether it’s something massive and heartbreaking like that or something personal and quiet in your own life, we all hit these moments.
Moments where things are not how we wanted them to be. We’re faced with something we don’t like, and we want to make it different. You may want to fix it, resist it, or avoid it altogether.
But first, we have to pause and ask: Is this a fact of life that I must find a way to accept, then learn how to adjust my attitude around this thing and somehow find joy despite my new reality? Or is this a problem I can work to solve?
Because I’ve noticed, people spend a lot of time confusing the two. They try to problem-solve what’s actually just part of life, which is an incredibly futile and frustrating process. And they surrender to “facts” that are actually just solvable problems in disguise.
I want to help you tell the difference, and then figure out what to do with it.
Not everything needs to be solved. But not everything needs to be accepted
Sometimes, you need an attitude adjustment. Other times, you can take action. The power is knowing which is which.
So let’s talk about how to tell the difference, and more importantly, what to do with it.
What’s a fact vs. what’s a problem
A fact is something you cannot change. It just is.
- Your age.
- The accident that left you in a wheelchair.
- The child that you had to bury.
- The time of year.
- What someone else said or did.
- Your past.
- Your childhood.
- Your parents.
These aren’t good or bad. They’re just true. You don’t get to rewrite them or opt out of them because they just are. For better or for worse.
A problem is something you can DO something about. But here’s where I see a lot of people stuck: They’ve accepted problems as their reality, when it’s actually something they could change.
Maybe you think:
- “I just don’t have time.”
- “I travel too much.”
- “My hormones are messed up.”
- “I have a slow metabolism.”
- “I’m an emotional eater.”
- “I don’t like healthy food.”
- “I hate cooking.”
- “I can’t cook”
- “I’m big boned”
- “I’ve already tried everything.”
- “It’s just my genetics.”
- “Nothing works for me.”
Let me be clear: Those are not facts. They’re patterns in your behavior or in your thinking. Most likely BOTH, if we’re being honest. They’re problems that can be worked on and changed.
There’s something wrong with you. But it’s not a character flaw or a moral failure. It’s just something you haven’t learned yet. But you can work through it with the right support, a better strategy, and intentional practice.
What happens when you treat a fact like a problem?
You try to fix the unfixable. It turns into wasting energy while resisting reality. You feel like a failure for not being able to change something that isn’t meant to be changed.
On the flip side, when you treat a problem like a fact, you just live with it. So you convince yourself that it’s “just the way it is” and lower your standards, staying stuck.
Here are a few real-life examples:
“I don’t have time.”
Sometimes that’s a fact, and you may truly be maxed out. But a lot of times, it’s a problem with boundaries, time management, or priorities.
“My metabolism is slower now.”
That’s probably true right now. But it can absolutely be IMPROVED at any age because the way that you eat affects that, not your age or some disease you inherited.
So while TRUE, it’s not a fact of life that at 40 your metabolism slows down. For many it DOES, but it’s because of how they are eating. You can change that, so this is a PROBLEM, not a fact of life.
“I just love food too much.”
A lot of people say this like it’s a fact of life. They treat it like it’s their identity. But loving food doesn’t disqualify you from making changes. It’s not a curse or a character trait you’re stuck with.
The truth is, most of us do love food. The question isn’t whether you love it, but whether your love for food is running your life.
Are you willing to build new habits so food becomes something you enjoy without it controlling you? That’s not a fact of life. That’s a problem with boundaries, with emotional coping, or with planning. Those can all be worked on.
Don’t confuse a preference, or even a struggle, with a permanent identity.
Or like we have talked a lot about around the summer: “I need my routine”
There are certainly things that come with summer — or any season, for that matter — that we cannot change. It does us no good to complain about it being hot or busy. We can do things to prepare. If our kids are home, or you have people over, or you’re going out a lot… we can STILL fuel our bodies healthfully.
The shift: Accept or act
Here’s the phrase I want you to take with you: Facts require acceptance. Problems require action.
You can complain or feel like a victim about both. But that won’t change anything because we simply cannot change some things.
And when that’s the case, we have to change how we see it, how we feel about it, and do our best to accept it. Acceptance doesn’t mean you like it. But it does mean you stop letting it drain you.
You can use that energy on solving problems that are unique to your new situation that will improve your quality of life in this new season.
On the flip side, when something is a problem, you don’t need to accept it or tolerate it.
You need to get curious, take responsibility, and start solving. So this is where I want you to pause and think: What’s one thing in your life right now that’s a fact, but you’ve been treating it like a problem? Something you keep wishing were different, but it’s just part of the current season?
Some examples of this are your job hours, your kids’ needs, or things like your age, schedule, or physical limitations.
What would happen if you stopped resisting that and started working with it?
And on the flip side, what’s one problem that you’ve been treating like a fact? Something you’ve convinced yourself just “is what it is,” but deep down, you know you could do something about it?
Things like your nutrition, bedtime, or even your attitude. What’s one step you could take to shift that this week?
This is the work—this is what growth looks like. Not trying to control everything or trying to fix things that don’t need fixing.
But also not accepting stuckness when you can move. Instead, being honest with yourself: Is this a fact I need to accept or a problem I need to solve?
Once you know the difference, you stop wasting energy and staying stuck. And you start growing.
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