Many times, a well meaning phrase we have on repeat can do more harm than good. Once phrase I’ve really come to dislike is, “You did your best! You gave it your all!”
If you’re thinking I am a nut job right now, I promise you’ll see why I hate this phrase, and what we are going to do moving forward.
The ONLY time we say this is when we DID try our best, but our best wasn’t actually good enough to accomplish the goal we had. We say this as an attempt to comfort ourselves. And you KNOW what I say about comfort — you don’t GROW when you are comfortable.
If you don’t quite reach one of your goals, that’s FINE. But if your response to that is, “well I did my best,” you will NEVER reach that goal.
I promise this message isn’t as harsh as it sounds right now, so hang tight. We’re going deep.
The reasoning behind this hot take
In case you haven’t learned this about me yet, I am a VERY competitive person. It has NOTHING to do with winning any prize or beating anyone else — I could care less about those things. I don’t even need anyone to be aware of what I am “competing in” at the moment. I am just SUPER competitive with myself. If I set a goal, I want to reach that goal. I have ALWAYS been this way.
I used to shame myself for it. But I have learned to harness it in a healthy way and use it to my advantage as I’ve gotten older. It can also creep up and bite me in the butt, and then I have to re-evaluate and adjust the way I talk to myself. But the point is, I MOSTLY have this working for my good.
I am even mentioning myself today because I need you to know that I think the people that hear this comment the MOST (“you did your best!!!”) are the most competitive people. You wouldn’t believe HOW MANY times I heard this growing up. I would walk off the dance stage after performing, knowing that I missed 2 skills and my mom, meaning VERY WELL, would say, you did your best out there!
Her intention was to help me not beat myself up, because she could tell that I was already doing it, and I appreciate that. But if YOU have a competitive child, with lots of talent, and they are disappointed in their performance, it’s not because they are just being martyrs. It’s because they KNOW they can do better. They WANT to do better. They just don’t really know HOW.
I didn’t want to get out there and miss skills that I KNEW that I was totally CAPABLE of doing. That’s why it was so frustrating for me. I knew I had the ABILITY to do it. But “for some reason” I just wasn’t getting it done. Looking back NOW, I understand that it was because I relied SO much on my natural talent and going to practice, but I didn’t practice ANY on my own. I didn’t understand how to take a skill and WORK on it. Get better at it. NAIL it.
I WAS giving it my best, to the best of my ability. But just saying that MISSES the POINT. It makes it seem like your best is a destination, when it’s just a stepping stone. It is where you are RIGHT NOW, and the place you want to go is a few stepping stones away. What separates you from there is that you have to master the next stepping stone. You have to put in the work, put in the practice, get really good at that stepping stone. Then you have the skills to move to the next one.
So many times, we try to jump over 2 stepping stones to get the goal. We may land there, but we have a hard time hanging on, so we keep falling off of it. That is because there were some skills that we didn’t learn from the ones that we tried to skip. If you go back and get those skills down, you will have what it takes. Your BEST at that point WILL be good enough.
We tell ourselves or our kids, “You did your best!”, as a form of comfort. But we are missing the REASON they need to be comforted to begin with. THEY had a goal that was not achieved.
When you say “you did your best!” it’s not that you are lying — we rarely get out there and DON’T try our hardest. We may have in fact, done our best. But the point is that our CURRENT best isn’t enough to achieve the goals that we have in place.
Frustration is BORN when you are here, but you WANT to be over there
You WANT to grow, but you don’t really know HOW. Growth is not built on natural talent or LUCK. There is a formula for getting better at things, and everyone can do it.
So, instead of saying “well you did your best!” and closing the door, let’s learn the process that we go through in order to take the best you have to offer right NOW, and use it as a jumping off point to create a NEW best — one that is good enough to accomplish the goal you want.
How to move from “You did your best” to “You achieved your goal
Embrace Discomfort
If you feel VERY comfortable doing something right now, you already know how to do that. You are working at your CURRENT best. If you want to IMPROVE your best efforts, you have to get good at the things that you are NOT good at yet. And that feels uncomfortable. GOOD — that means you are on the right track! It doesn’t make the thing itself bad, and it doesn’t mean that you can’t do it. It just means that this particular thing is not programmed in your brain yet. That is your mission with this thing. Take the skill you NEED TO DEVELOP — the one that feels uncomfortable, awkward — and do it so many times that it feels comfortable.
Set Clear Goals
It doesn’t help to say, I want to do better. You have to know WHAT you are trying to get better at. I do this with my son all of the time when he feels disappointed after a soccer match. I can tell he is disappointed, I tell him that I notice his disappointment, ask him if he wants to talk about it, then he opens up that he knows he can play better, so I ask him, what specifically do you feel like you are struggling with? We go from I don’t know to a very specific thing that he can work on with just a series of open ended and non judgmental questions. He narrows it down to 1-2 skills that need his attention RIGHT NOW.
In the beginning he HATED this process. Now he really loves it because he has seen how much better it makes him. It’s also cool because it’s like learning the secret that nobody knows: When you put your attention on getting better at ONE thing at a time, and accept that you are not going to be good at it right away, and you actually just put in effort on going over it and over it, BOOM. All of a sudden you are better at that thing. You actually begin to LOOK for the things that you are NOT good at with excitement, because you know it’s just the next thing you are going to get better at.
For YOU it may be, I want to lose 20 lbs. That’s the final stepping stone, but what is the thing RIGHT NOW that keeps making you slip off the stone? What skill are you lacking? Is it a physical skill like cooking? Or are you struggling with a mental skill that we need to develop?
The MORE clear you can get on this, the more you know WHAT you need to work on to improve your best. Also the less overwhelming it feels. Stop thinking of ALL of the things, focus on the very NEXT thing.
Reflect on Performance
Instead of saying “I did my best,” get specific. First, where do you GLOW? What did you implement that you have been working on? Next, where can you GROW? Where are you still struggling?
Create a Growth Plan
Develop a structured plan that outlines the steps you need to take to improve. This could include seeking additional training, practicing specific skills, or hiring a coach. Wink wink. When I say to develop the plan, I truly mean to put it in writing.
Practice Deliberately
Commit to regular, focused practice of the skills that need improvement. This step requires self discipline. The thing you are working on is not yet programmed in your brain. You need to be willing to give it the time it needs to engrain in there; even when you are busy; even when you don’t feel like it; even when you aren’t seeing the end goal as soon as you want to.
This is why an overhaul rarely works. You have so much brain space to work on new things. Pick ONE THING to MASTER at a time. When you do it this way, it honestly happens SO MUCH FASTER in the end.
Seek Constructive Feedback
Surround yourself with people who will provide honest, constructive feedback. This will help you identify blind spots and areas for improvement that you might not see on your own.
I used to LOVE to be around my yes people. However, when I knew that it was time to grow, I intentionally did not call my yes people when I was struggling through discomfort. I turned to the people that I knew would not let me off the hook. I’m not saying yes people can’t be in your life. But don’t include them when you are struggling and want to quit. Don’t let THOSE PEOPLE be your first phone call. Share your goals with the people that you trust will hold you to those goals when you don’t feel motivated.
Keep Learning
Never stop seeking knowledge. Read books, attend workshops, and engage in discussions that challenge your thinking and expand your understanding. Be on a mission to always be growing. Keep writing your story.
Your current best is not the final destination. It’s just the starting point
Growth happens when you embrace discomfort, focus on the skills you need to develop, and take deliberate steps toward your goals. So, take a moment to reflect: What’s one area where you’ve been saying, “I did my best,” but know you can do better? What’s one skill you can start working on today to move closer to your goals?
If you’re ready to stop settling for “good enough” and start building the habits and skills that lead to real, lasting change, MYLF Coaching is here to help. Programs like The Reset are designed to guide you step by step, helping you master the skills you need to achieve your goals.
Click here to learn more about MYLF Coaching and start your journey today.
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