If you’re here, there’s a good chance you are striving for change in your life. I, personally, am in the process of pursuing change in my life. I want to constantly be growing, changing and evolving. But one of the hardest things for SO MANY PEOPLE to do is change.
We all have goals and dreams. But turning these into results is where people struggle. Why is change so hard? How can we go from someone who is REALLY GOOD at STARTING something, to becoming someone who is ALSO really good at finishing it?
How can we get amazing at the FOLLOW THROUGH? How can we get good at CHANGING?
If you want to achieve something, you WILL be required to change something. This is not NEWS, and you understand there is no way around that.
Most of us accept the IDEA of change in theory. We know the actions we take result in an outcome. If you want that outcome to be DIFFERENT, you will have to CHANGE your actions. Still, many of us get caught in a cycle of WANTING something WITHOUT making the adjustments required to achieve it. This is where frustration, resentment (toward ourselves and others), and blame games come in. This is where those feelings of being stuck grow.
So how do we break from that?
The mental journey of lasting change
What really changes our actions long-term is winning the mental battle. Acknowledging that THAT is what must change, and accepting what that process feels like.
REAL CHANGE happens when we change what is happening in our MIND because our actions are controlled by what is happening up there. For change to occur and LAST, you must be willing to take the mindset journey as well.
We go through a psychological cycle in almost any process of change. Understanding this cycle is powerful.
Psychologists Don Kelly and David Connor developed a model for the emotional cycle of change, which consists of five stages. These stages represent the different emotions and reactions we experience when we are facing change.
I LOVE a good model because it gives you a road map and helps you accept the present moment with less judgment.
The emotional cycle of change model will help you recognize and validate the emotions you experience (and also the emotions of others) during THIS PHASE, so you can work through it and push through your journey to the next stage.
You can IDENTIFY what stage you’re in and recognize that your emotions are valid and NORMAL. Following this roadmap also allows you to recognize your progress, which is something MANY of us struggle to do.
5 stages of the Emotional Cycle Of Change
Stage 1: Uninformed Optimism
This stage is the “I am READY for change” stage. You aren’t CONSIDERING change. At this stage, you are there, you know that you want it.
You are excited about the change. You may be a LITTLE bit nervous, but you are MOSTLY excited. During this stage, you’ll have thoughts like:
- I am going to do this NEW THING.
- I am going to CHANGE my life.
- I am going to LOSE WEIGHT. I am going to GAIN muscle.
- I am going to start that new business!
- I am going to run my first marathon!
- I am going to… whatever the thing is that you want to do!
You are so excited in this phase because you are not aware of the difficulties that you could and probably will face ahead. You see ALL of the benefits — but you have yet to experience the costs. Your eyes are locked in on the prize, and you are EXCITED to get that prize.
This is a great phase to be in because there is so much energy and excitement. Your WHY is SO fresh in your mind.
Action item: This is a REALLY good time to sit down and capture that feeling. Journal how you feel and WHY you’re so eager to start. USE that enthusiasm and positive emotions to be CLEAR and DESCRIPTIVE about what you WANT and WHY.
Stage 2: Informed Pessimism
At this point, you’re starting to realize the challenges and obstacles that will come with this change, and you don’t like it. We realize there will be more work than we were ready for. It will require more sacrifices, take longer than we want, and it’s not going to just happen overnight.
Cue all of the negative emotions that come with that. Annoyance, frustration, anger, annoyance, anxiety, overwhelm.
This is where we shift from optimistic to pessimistic, and it can happen QUICKLY. All the benefits you saw in phase one don’t seem real or as attainable anymore. You no longer see the benefits, but you are faced head-on with the COSTS. Your vision gets obstructed by what this goal is COSTING you. So we start to question if the benefits of us changing are WORTH the efforts that we are making. We might start to look for reasons to abandon the effort that we need to put in. You start reconsidering this goal. Maybe this isn’t what I really wanted.
Thoughts during this stage might look like:
- Maybe I got the wrong map.
- Maybe THIS diet plan isn’t the right way, maybe I will go try a DIFFERENT one. One that promises that I won’t have to face this stage. One that will be EASIER and won’t make me FEEL like this.
I can’t tell you HOW MANY people we see get stuck going back and forth between Stages 1 and 2. But I can also tell you that I see SO MANY people push through Stage 2 — which is honestly why having a 1:1 coach is SO helpful — and enter Stage 3 where it gets SO MUCH BETTER, right?
Wrong.
Stage 3: The Valley of Despair
Could this title be any more dramatic?!
This is the lowest part of the cycle. If you made it through Stage 2, and you find yourself here, just KNOW, that it’s only up from here. But first, we are going to get THROUGH it.
This is where you are feeling the pain of the change, and the benefits seem light years away. The EASIEST thing to do in this phase is QUIT and return to your old ways of doing things.
Other people doing it, but you don’t feel like there is any way that you could too. It’s just not working out for you. It’s not happening for you.
The most tempting thing to do in this phase is to walk away. I still want the goal, but this path isn’t getting me there and maybe that other path over there will be better.
You are thinking about that right now because you are in STAGE 3 of this path and Stage 1 of the other path… Uninformed Optimism. AKA, you SEE the struggle of the path you started, but you don’t SEE the struggles of the alternative path you’re considering. BELIEVE ME, the struggle is also over there.
ANY change you make will have the 5 stages, so keep that in mind as you work through the feelings of Stage 3.
The key to getting through this phase is to RECOGNIZE that you are feeling like this, KNOWING that this is PART of Stage 3 and that it DOES get better from here, but you can not abort your path. You can not keep jumping from shiny thing to shiny thing.
Things to watch out for during this phase are:
- Victim mentality.
- Blaming others (or life) for where you are.
- Making excuses for why you can’t.
- Self-sabotaging and doing things you KNOW don’t align with your goals.
Every single one of those things will push you toward quitting. During this phase, we work to EMPOWER ourselves. We work to problem solve and build the skills to push through, like patience, resilience, self-discipline, and personal integrity.
You have to keep pushing and remember your why. It has to be REALLY compelling because it’s SO TEMPTING to quit, and you cannot quit. At this stage, you have to start REALLY problem-solving. After revisiting WHAT you want and WHY, it’s time to take responsibility and check if you are DOING the THINGS you MUST DO to get the results that you want. Honesty is KEY in this process.
If you’re working with us, this is where we remind you of all the tools you have gained and check whether you’re working with all of them.
At MYLF Coaching, we don’t just tell you what to do. Our focus is on helping you BUILD the skills you need to make decisions that get you closer to your goals.
Learn more about our programs here.
Stage 4: Informed Optimism
This is where the possibility of success starts to increase because you start to become more confident in yourself and trusting in yourself. You have built SKILLS that you have never had before. The new information you have learned makes it easier to change behaviors. You are feeling like this is part of who you are now.
At this stage, I now know what I didn’t know before AND I know that I can do it.
The benefits of what you are doing are starting to show. The cost of the changes is starting to seem worth it to you. You are starting to see results. You are starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Then when you keep going, you will eventually arrive at stage 5.
Stage 5: Success and Fulfilment
This is where the cost of the change is now worth it. The results are finally tangible. It can take YEARS to get here.
The following video, about the Chinese bamboo tree, illustrates the concept of perseverance to get to this stage of fulfillment.
Will you see the success? The choice is yours
When you are working on change, Stage 1 is buying your seed and planting it, being excited about what will grow from that. Stages 2 and 3 are tending to that seed, even when it’s hard, even when you can’t SEE the progress, you are building your deep root system that is going to then support your future success. Stage 4 is when the sprout breaks through and you can visibly SEE that your efforts have been working. Stage 5 is when things really start to blossom and you can SEE all of your hard work.
The difference between achieving your goals and feeling stuck is how long are you willing to push to overcome the DISCOMFORT of the first three stages of the emotional cycle.
The real challenge is that no emotional cycle is the same. There’s no cookie-cutter process to get you from Stage 1 to Stage 5 with no stops.
At MYLF Coaching, we work with YOU to create a plan tailored to your UNIQUE goals. Most importantly, we work with you to develop the SKILLS that will make the journey rewarding and EFFECTIVE.
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