I have mentioned this before, but every Tuesday, I drive my son to Austin after school for soccer training. Now, something that you should know about me is that I HATE being stuck in a car. Like, I really hate it. But these car rides have turned into one of my favorite parts of the week, because my son and I have had some really great and deep conversations. Ones that probably wouldn’t happen if we were NOT spending that time one on one in the car.
In fact, a lot of the stuff I post about on the blog is inspired by these conversations, including this post.
Recently, on our way home, Rush said, “You know what I have realized about soccer?” You are never really an EXPERT. You always have to be LEARNING and getting better. Even when you are a pro.”
OMG. YES Rush, YES. There is SO MUCH WISDOM in this statement. MOST of us live in this reality that there are EXPERTS at things, and that they are different from you and I. That they have ARRIVED there.
To my son, an expert looks like a Pro soccer player. They have MADE it. But I think he had an a-ha moment and realized that even when you MAKE IT, you still put in the work. You still have to strive to become better. There is no, I have finally arrived and now I can relax. This is a LIFE LESSON. Now that he understands this concept with something he CARES about, like soccer, I can help him apply that to ALL areas of his life.
This concept is NOT just for people who want to become EXPERTS. It’s for ANYONE who wants to become something more than what they are right now. You will never reach EXPERT LEVEL. Usually the people who describe themselves as an expert have closed their minds off and are unwilling to learn new things, even in the face of different evidence.
Instead of striving to BECOME an expert, let’s strive to become EXPERT beginners
Beginners are willing to learn and GROW. They make the MOST progress and move the needle the MOST. The second you think you are DONE, you stop growing.
I view myself as a life long learner. It is ONE of the ways that I describe myself — to myself. I never want to say that I have made it, or that I know it all in a certain topic or field. I find joy in knowing that there is always more to learn. And the fact that Rush is starting to pick up on this makes me SO HAPPY.
He used to be the child that was like, “why do I need to practice soccer? I am already good at it!” So the fact that he is starting to embrace a “beginner’s mindset” versus a “fixed mindset” makes me VERY proud because the more you are willing to learn new things, the better you will actually get at those things. Then move on to the next new thing and so on.
Being an EXPERT is simply a string of learning one new thing after the next, stringing together a LOT of, well I don’t know how to do this…YET…but I can learn anything if I put some time on it.
The people you see and think of as EXPERTS all KNOW this. They are the BEST at being beginners, making mistakes, and working through them.
The real truth is, none of us can ever know it all
Life, science, technology, new discoveries, the world is constantly changing. We can never really be at the top because there is no ceiling, the possibilities are infinite and we are forever evolving.
No one enjoys being a beginner. I do not ENJOY doing something when I don’t feel skilled at it. I have just ACCEPTED it that I WILL feel that way at first. And the MORE I do that thing, the LESS I feel like that. The better I get at that thing. And here is the kicker so many of us need to hear: when you master that thing, it’s time to become a beginner at something ELSE.
Rush’s coach recently had him switch from defense to midfield. I won’t go into all of the soccer details…but he has ALWAYS played defense. He is the most confident little defender I know, so I could SEE it on his face that he felt out of sorts with this change. In this role, he had to THINK way more than he normally has to. He had to run DOUBLE than he is used to. He was VERY uncomfortable. After that practice, he got in the car and said… I think I am a defender. Even though ALL he had talked about for MONTHS was wanting to move to midfield. So we had to talk about what that transition would FEEL like, and the fact that he has to be willing to be a beginner.
Doing ANYTHING that you feel some emotional connection towards can feel scary
It can make you feel vulnerable. And yet you have to accept that you probably are going to suck in the beginning, and that’s ok. EVERYONE kind of sucks in the beginning. But if you never get started you completely kill your chances of ever being able to get better.
Being a beginner is a strength, not a weakness
Being a beginner simply means that you will implement the process of learning. Learning is a BEAUTIFUL thing. There are five distinct stages to learning anything new:
Stage one: Unconscious incompetence
In this stage of learning, we don’t know what we don’t know.
Usually, we are filled with hope and optimism for our new pursuit. Every little thing we learn feels like we are doubling our knowledge base. And we probably are.
For most people, this first stage of learning starts as fun and exciting. In the beginning, any flashes of success feel monumental. Once you know just enough to get by, you can start experimenting a little, making it even more fun. You’re not judging yourself yet because you don’t have enough knowledge yet to do so. Because you only know a little, you aren’t thinking much, which makes you more likely to catch small moments of flow; those magical moments when you lose track of time and everything feels right with the world.
However, this is the most fragile stage of learning for two main reasons:
First, it’s common to believe you’re further along than you are. Many beginners may even get bored and lose interest during this stage, thinking they know so much that there’s no challenge to be had. On the contrary — they just don’t know how much they don’t know yet.
Second, because you think you know more than you do during this stage, what you do know is inadequate and unlikely to give you the results you want. Again, this ties back to not knowing how much you don’t know.
Whatever the reason, many people make excuses during this early stage of learning because it feels easier than confronting reality: You have a long road ahead of you, and you don’t have enough knowledge to start on your own. Both reasons make this blissful beginner stage the one during which most people give up.
Stage two: Conscious incompetence
Once you get past the unconscious incompetence stage — you arrive at the second stage of learning, or the conscious incompetence stage.
This is the rude awakening you get when you realize all you don’t know. You can call this phase the big SUCK.
The suck is where it slowly dawns on you just how much you don’t know. You start learning the rules of the game. Then, you start trying to apply those rules, and as you do, get more in your head. You start to force things and can no longer get into flow. Even if you are making progress, you may feel like you’re going backwards because you’re now aware of all you’re doing wrong.
This is also the stage where most people get overwhelmed at the magnitude of their undertaking and daunted by the long road ahead. So how do you make it through the suck? Accept that it’s inevitable. Learn to recognize it and trust that you will make progress with time and intentional practice.
I got Rush through this phase by listing the areas of soccer that he needed to improve. Well, I had HIM come up with that list. Then, we made a plan to chisel away at it. For us, it started with ball mastery. We committed to 100 hours of ball mastery to improve our ball control. We do 1 hour every day. The first 15 hours SUCKED. He HATED not being good at something. This has probably been the NUMBER ONE thing that has improved his mindset: to see that he DIDN’T know everything, AND that it was OK that he didn’t. He COULD learn how to do it, and to see what happens when you just stick through the suck.
Stage three: Conscious competence
During the conscious competence learning stage, you know how to reach your goal but have to concentrate hard on your task. Nothing is automatic.
In this stage, your new learnings are still fragile and not yet cemented in your neural circuits — meaning you haven’t committed your new learning to your long-term memory. These are still routines, not habits. They are not just “who you are and what you do.”
The key in this stage of learning is to keep getting your reps in. Consistent, focused practice is what will help make those conscious learnings automatic. You have to DO these things, EVEN — ESPECIALLY — WHEN YOU DON’T WANT TO.
Stage four: Unconscious competence
Stage four of learning is when you fully internalize all that you’ve learned. You can execute your new skills automatically and without having to think beforehand. This is the stage of learning when you’re most likely to regularly get into the zone because you can stop thinking so much. Instead, you just let your body or mind take over and do what you already know how to do.
In the context of exercise, this is just you doing your morning workout because you always do. In the context of food, this is just you prepping and planning food for the week, because it’s just what you do.
Whatever your new skill, this is when things feel less like a struggle and more flowy. Reaching this stage starts to feel fun and rewarding — like all your hard work has finally paid off.
It takes time and patience to get to this stage, managing expectations. Knowing that you have to put in the time and effort and that you are not entitled to those results.
Stage five: Conscious unconscious competence
The last stage of learning is when you can teach what you do unconsciously to others. It requires a deep understanding of what you’ve learned and an ability to communicate it to beginners, like your children.
The younger you learned, the less likely you will be able to teach well. This is why high-level athletes that have been training since they were young are not always the best teachers. They have so deeply internalized all they’ve learned that they’re not always sure how to teach it to others. Their knowledge is so ingrained and natural to them, it’s hard to put it into words.
However, this is GOOD news for us. If we are older when we learn these things, we are going to be better teachers to our children.
Becoming an expert isn’t about reaching a final destination
It’s about embracing the process of learning, growing, and starting over again and again. The truth is, the most successful people are expert beginners. They’re willing to face discomfort, make mistakes, and keep showing up. So, take a moment to reflect: Where in your life are you holding back because you’re afraid to be a beginner? What’s one step you can take today to lean into the process and start learning something new?If you’re ready to embrace growth and build the habits that lead to lasting success, MYLF Coaching is here to help. Programs like The Reset are designed to guide you through the process of learning, growing, and thriving—no matter where you’re starting from.
Click here to learn more about MYLF Coaching and start your journey today.
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