What Are Your Standards, Really?

I was picking up my daughter from dance recently and ran into one of my old dance teachers. She is 88 now, and I couldn’t even sprint over to her fast enough. I didn’t train under her all that long, but we had a very special bond.

We were talking about London, now dancing, and she asked me if I had the same high standards for her that I always had for myself. First of all, I loved how she phrased that question, which prompted this idea. Secondly, I loved answering this question because I often discuss this topic in my real life. 

So I want to have an honest talk about what standards even are. Because, like a lot of things, I think the true meaning of what standards are has been hijacked a bit. 

What are standards? 

They are the non-negotiable baseline that you hold yourself to — whether anyone is watching or not. Whether life is wild or not. Whether you are going through a hard time or not. 

They are not goals or rules. They’re not what you want them to be or not wishful thinking. They are the filter for every decision that you make. 

If something doesn’t meet your standard, it doesn’t get in. Period. Not because you can’t, but because you won’t. They define what you allow, what you tolerate. And what you expect-from yourself first and then probably others as well. 

Everyone has standards, but not all of them are equal

You might have high standards in one area of your life—like your work ethic, parenting, or hygiene—and the bar is very high. In no world would you skip brushing your teeth; you don’t care how busy you are, you won’t ignore that. Or if you somehow forgot, the second you remember, you are heading to take care of it. 

That’s just how you operate. But in other areas? The bar might be lower. And it’s not good or bad. It just is. 

Standards aren’t about judgment. They’re just a reflection of what you’re willing to allow, and where you’ve drawn the line—consciously or not. 

Here’s the problem. See, most people never really think in terms of standards. So they aren’t clear on what they’re actually doing. 

I see many people online saying that “food rules are harmful,” but I’m here to tell you that there is a vast difference between rules and standards; we will touch on this more later. 

Standards are not what someone else has set for you; they are what you have set for yourself. They aren’t about what you hope to allow into your life or what you hope to keep out. They’re not what you plan to do. They’re not the things you do when life is smooth sailing. 

A standard is a bar. And if something is below the bar, it’s out. Period, no matter how tired or busy you are; if it doesn’t meet your standard, it ain’t happening. 

You can look at where you are in your life — your current habits, your choices, the results you are getting — and know that the choices that you are currently making have made it past your bar. 

Not the one you wish you had or the one you talk about. The one you show up to every single day. 

So today isn’t about deciding what you want your standards to be. It’s about getting really honest about what they already are. Not your goals or dreams but your reality. And then, figuring out how to raise that bar if you need to, some of you might feel like you actually need to lower your bar right now, and we will address that as well. 

What you’re living is what you’ve accepted  

If you want to know what your standards are, look at your actual patterns. Not ones you used to have or wish you had at this point. 

We are not here to judge those patterns, but we will certainly try to gain some clarity on them. Because if you don’t name it, you can’t change it. And honestly, just like everything else, standards are changeable. But not until you get honest about what you’re actually allowing right now. 

Once you’ve named what you’ve been living, the next step isn’t action—it’s clarity. 

Clarity first. Change second

When you’re clear on what your current standards are, the next question is: what do you actually want them to be? Where should the bar be placed? 

This isn’t about being perfect. This is about deciding what’s no longer acceptable to let slide. 

This is where most people get it wrong. They raise the bar too high, then burn out trying to live up to something they haven’t trained for. 

Raising your standard isn’t about going from zero to elite overnight. It’s about moving the bar just above where you’ve been operating—and absolutely refusing to dip below it again. 

Do we really need the office cookies, which aren’t all that amazing anyway? 

What about the Sam’s Club cake at our cousin’s nephew’s 7th birthday party? 

And why do you need to finish your kid’s lunch plate instead of wrapping it up for later or throwing it away?

If you are on a weight loss journey, that bar should be set. The things that come through the gate should be few and far between, and a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. 

Again, we will discuss this in a minute, but setting the bar is not achieved by simply saying it out loud. Hoping that you will do it. Being frustrated that you are not doing it. If you feel this way, you are following rules; you have not set standards for yourself. 

You raise your standards by backing it up—with action. Over and over. 

Suppose it feels uncomfortable at first. Good. It should. That’s how you know the standard is higher than what you’re used to. 

High standards are not about being restrictive; restriction is something that is imposed upon you. Standards are about being clear, and you are the one doing them. 

They make your life easier. Less decision-making every time you turn around. Because you already know what’s worth your time, your energy, your body. 

You no longer have to debate every decision because you’vs stopped negotiating with yourself. 

Now, you live by the line you set. 

Not because someone’s watching, but because you hold yourself in high regard.

Start raising your standards 

Now let’s talk about what happens when you start raising your own standards: You’ll notice the gap between how you’re living and how others are. For many people, this can lead to frustration. You’re showing up. You’re doing the work. And people around you aren’t matching the energy.

So let me ask you this—are you just expecting people to meet you at a higher level, or are you showing them how? If you expect others to meet your standards, you will likely have a disappointing time. If you want someone to raise their standards, then you need to lead that. 

• Have you made the standard clear? 
• Are you modeling it? 
• Have you supported them in reaching their goal? 

Because if you expect people to meet you here, but you haven’t helped them bridge the gap, then you will be a very frustrated person. I often observe this in parent-child relationships, particularly when it comes to food. Moms will say, ‘My kid needs to get healthier,’ or ‘They just don’t have discipline.’ But they’re not teaching anything. Their pantry still looks like a grocery store. They’re sending mixed messages. They’re not even opening the conversation because they are nervous to mess something up. 

This is where I differ from others. It’s perfectly fine to set a high standard for yourself. And most likely, if you are someone who sets high standards, then you would be pleased if your children learned this as well; however, high standards require high support. Not high shame or judgment, but a lot of energy, education, and modeling. You don’t get to set a high bar and then disappear. You have to lead them to it. 

There’s a book called Ten to Twenty-Five that says it perfectly: 

Set the bar high—yes. 

But teach them how to reach it. Otherwise, you’re just setting them up to fail.

Rules vs. Standards (The game-changer) 

Now here’s where most people get stuck: You don’t actually have high standards. What you have is a bunch of rules. 

‘I can’t eat after 7.’ 

‘I have to work out 5 times a week.’ 

‘I’m not allowed to have sugar.’ 

And guess what? You break those rules constantly. Then you beat yourself up and start over. Because rules are fragile, they can be rigid, reactive, or temporary. And most of them are based on shame, not structure. 

Standards are different:

The rules say, ‘I can’t.’ 

Standards say, ‘I don’t.’ 

Standards are identity-based. They’re rooted. They’re clear. They’ve lived. They’re what you filter everything through. 

And if you constantly feel frustrated by the gap between what you say you want and what you’re actually doing? That’s your sign; your standards are too low for the results you’re after. 

You’re trying to hit a big goal but letting yourself slide with habits that don’t match it. 

That bar is not high enough. You’re letting too many things sneak under it—too many exceptions, too many ‘just this once.’ 

Let me give you an example: Right now, I’m not in a weight loss phase. I can live at a more flexible 80/20 standard because my goal is different. 

But if you’re actively trying to lose weight, 80/20 might be too loose. That’s a committed phase. A focused phase. The bar has to be high—not because you’re trying to be perfect, but because the goal requires that level of commitment. 

And that means a lot of things—random snacks, office party food, last-minute takeout. Those things probably shouldn’t be passing your standards test. Not right now. 

It’s not about restriction but about respect. Respecting yourself and respecting the phase you’re in. 

Raise. Reach. Repeat. 

Raising your standard isn’t about reaching for the perfect lifestyle. It’s about raising the floor—not the ceiling. 

Make your bare minimum stronger, your defaults more aligned. AKA, make your lowest effort day still count. 

That’s how you build something solid. 

You raise the bar, reach it, and raise it again. 

That’s how you change your identity—not with hype or pressure, but with consistency and proof.

Tired of living below your own bar?

Then stop hoping, stop negotiating, and stop letting “just this once” run the show.
Get in touch and we’ll raise your bar – and strategize how to stick to it.