Strengthening your willpower

It may seem weird to talk about willpower since we’re constantly saying that a successful journey cannot be solely an exercise in willpower. I stand by that — the goal is to get to a point when you don’t need willpower to live the life you’ve built. You live this way because you’ve grown to love it and feel GOOD in it.

When you LIKE doing something, you don’t need willpower to do it. You just do it because it’s who you are and what you do. The thing is many times, the things we like don’t serve us. It’s very difficult to stop doing them because they bring comfort, pleasure or a familiar sense. But if the things we like are causing us to stay stuck in a place we don’t like, we need to STOP them. That’s where willpower comes in, especially in the beginning.

What marshmallows have to do with willpower

During a 1960s experiment, researchers offered a group of 4-year-olds a choice — have one marshmallow NOW, or wait 15 minutes and get TWO marshmallows. They then tracked these kiddos as they became adults.

They found that children who resisted temptation and delayed gratification (“high delayers”) achieved greater academic success, better health, and lower rates of marital separation and divorce. So, they concluded that if you are able to delay gratification with a marshmellow at 4 years old, you are likely to go on and have willpower in the face of other temptation later in life. Duh.

In another study, 1,000 children were tracked from birth to the age of 32. These researchers found that childhood self-control predicted physical health, substance dependence, personal finances, and criminal offenses. This was true even when other factors such as intelligence and social class were equated. They even compared sibling pairs and found that the sibling in each pair with lower self-control had poorer outcomes, despite shared family background.

So, this isn’t exactly a novel idea, right? If you have the ability to delay gratification, you are more likely to be successful in your endeavors. You are able to push past the immediate reward of something and obtain the bigger, shinier prize on the other side.

Is willpower something we’re born with?

I think as with ANYTHING, behavior is LEARNED. Therefore, anything CAN be learned (or unlearned) at any age with the right mindset — a growth mindset, which is what we teach here.

A fixed mindset would be, “This is who I am. There is nothing I can do about this.” A growth mindset is, “I can learn new things and experience growth and change at any age, if I am willing to put in the work.”

So how CAN you improve your ability to delay gratification? In other words, how can you improve your willpower? Especially in a world where everything is becoming MORE AND MORE convenient and it requires the active CHOICE not to participate in all of the modern conveniences.

Our ancestors didn’t require this much work to stay in their lean bodies

They had no other choice. Life was active by default. Even a few generations ago, people would walk or ride their bikes. Kids played outside. Families spent time together outdoors.

Modern life is full of choices. And while some of them are fantastic, many are not beneficial to us and our long-term well being. The default is convenience. So when you’re faced with these choices now, you need willpower to choose not what’s more comfortable but what’s BEST for you and your goals.

Understanding willpower as a muscle

Just like your biceps or legs, you need to be consistent in training your willpower. When it comes to your physical muscles, you have to use them often and intentionally, but not overdo it to the point they’re damaged.

Muscles get stronger when exercised. But overworking them makes them weak until they’ve had a chance to fully recover.

The EXACT same things are also true of willpower. When we are making changes in our life, we are going to NEED a strong willpower muscle. If there is an area of our life that we are having trouble making a breakthrough on, chances are that this muscle has not been seeing a lot of action. It hasn’t been “going to the gym” and getting stronger.

Willpower isn’t some kind of well that runs dry if you use too much of it. Instead, it’s a muscle you can train and build upon over time. There’s a concept called progressive overload, aka gradually increasing intensity, duration or frequency of your workouts over time to improve your strength and resistance. Guess how we strengthen our willpower?

How to strengthen your willpower

Learn to REST your muscle without QUITTING

In sports, there is a distinction between your comfort zone and stretch zone. For instance, if you are comfortable running a 10-minute mile, increasing your pace to a 9-minute mile puts you in your stretch zone. Alternating between the two is a good way to improve your performance without overworking your body.

The same can be said about willpower. If you’ve been operating at a 6, you can’t realistically think you’ll be able to crank any effort up to a 10 without an adjustment period. Some people may be able to pull it off temporarily, but it won’t be sustainable in the long run. In these cases, slowing down (or “jogging” instead of “sprinting”) will keep you MOVING toward your goal and prevent you from falling flat on your face.

If you’re in a weight loss program, this may mean having an overall deficit plan and bringing your calories up to maintenance for a day every once in a while. The important thing here is that this is PLANNED. You’re not just slamming on the brakes the minute things feel hard. You’re PLANNING your sprints AND your recovery periods while keeping your eye on the prize.

Use your imagination to visualize your outcome

Visualization is a powerful way to improve ANYTHING, even willpower. Your body responds to imagined situations in the same way it responds to experienced ones. If you imagine lying on a peaceful beach, listening to the waves, your body will respond by relaxing. If instead, you imagine being late for an important meeting, your body will tense in response. Your body follows your mind. You can use this to your advantage in building willpower.

If you will really spend some time practicing AND visualizing yourself practicing willpower, you will perform better. You will be able to USE your willpower muscle better because you have practiced using it in your mind. Your actions will ALWAYS follow your thoughts.

Work on your thoughts. Think about something else

It’s hard to redirect your mind, right? If I tell you, “don’t think about a white bear” you are going to immediately think about a white bear. Well, you have to train your brain to redirect. Again, it’s a muscle. The more you do this, the stronger that muscle will get.

You are in the driver’s seat of your thoughts. Every time you THINK about participating in a behavior that doesn’t serve you, you need to redirect your attention. Thoughts are not REALITY until you attach an action to them. You can choose to let the thought go and think about something else.

Don’t underestimate this simple technique. In the marshmallow study, the “high delayers” resisted eating the marshmallow by distracting themselves. They covered their eyes with their hands or turned around in their chairs so they couldn’t see the enticing object, or they sang to themselves. In real life, it may look like you getting up for a quick walk, reading an article, or listening to a podcast. For those of you who’ve participated in Metabolism Mastery, you know we have a Spotify playlist for moments like this.

Build good de-stressing habits

Stress STRONGLY depletes willpower. When most of us are stressed, we tend to fall back on ingrained habits, regardless of whether they’re helpful or harmful. This isn’t usually a conscious choice but a default. But every time you respond to cortisol surges with unhealthy behaviors, you strengthen those habits. This basically guarantees that under times of stress, you will fall back on these habits.

Fortunately for us, knowledge is power. We can reprogram our response to the fight or flight feeling. We can create new routines that will turn into new habits over time.

Almost anything that counteracts the fight-or-flight response will do the trick. So start responding to mild stressors with healthier choices:

Listening to calming music
Coming into physical contact with someone you love — 12 second hug is all it takes to release oxytocin, which counteracts cortisol.
A 5 minute break to visualize a calming scenario.
Moderate exercise, like walking your dog.

Streamline your day

Similar to stress, overwhelm and decision fatigue can greatly impact your willpower. Take the edge off your choices by planning ahead as much as possible.

Some decisions you can put on autopilot include:

Set your outfit the night before.

When you’re in a rush in the morning, the last thing you want is to spend 15 minutes trying to find matching socks and a decent outfit to throw on. Create a sort of uniform you wear that fits your lifestyle and feels GOOD for you. Think I’m talking crazy? Think back to Steve Jobs’ black turtleneck sweaters 🙂

Plan and prep your meals ahead of time.

If you’re often struggling to get a nutrient-dense lunch, plan ahead and at least make the minimum prep required to just throw together ingredients when you’re ready to eat. This way, you won’t reach for the pretzels or the Taco Bell drive thru.

Make things non-negotiable.

If you KNOW you feel better after a 30-minute walk in the evenings or whatever it is, make it a non-negotiable piece of your life, just like brushing your teeth. This way, you won’t sit for four hours wondering whether you’ll do it or not but just power through.

Try habit stacking.

If there’s one thing you need to incorporate into your life but are struggling to, pair it with another habit you already do. Binging on a wonderfully trashy reality TV show? Watch it on the treadmill. Want to scroll social media for 20 minutes? Do it only after you’ve cleared your inbox. These more uncomfortable habits start to be associated with routines you already do and enjoy.

Take One step at a time. It truly is a marathon and not a sprint.

So many people give up, not because they lack willpower, but because they feel overwhelmed by the enormity of the goal they must accomplish. A good way to deal with this feeling of overwhelm is to break the goal down into manageable pieces and line them up in a sequence that guarantees success.

When people ask me how to train for a half-marathon, I tell them to start with running 1 mile. Focus on the NEXT step versus the whole journey. Slay the small goals along the way.

As you reach each sub-goal, you feel a sense of satisfaction and pride in yourself, making it that much easier to tackle the next one. Taking CONSTANT small actions and showing up for yourself — being proud of yourself. This is where confidence is built.

Walking up the staircase, celebrating every step. Not constantly trying to jump to the top and falling on your face. When you focus on taking the steps, you are less likely to deplete your willpower, because you are MORE LIKELY TO ENJOY THE PROCESS.